Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
