yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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