i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
