Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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