doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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