I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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