I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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