im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
