i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
