when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
