My balls are so social today.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
