Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
