It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
