This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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