I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
