I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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