clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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