just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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