I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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