your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
