first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
