I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
