My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
