bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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