i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
