my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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