guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
