I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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