my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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