This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
