So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
