I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I will pee on everything he values.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
