I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
