I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
