yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
