It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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