Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I met the friendliest cop last night
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
