Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
how drunk are you?
Several
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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