so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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