I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
