when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This house was built for laser tag.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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