so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
