My room smells like vodka and shame
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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