if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
