just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
