I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
