He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
