i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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