it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
