So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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