Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
