My room smells like vodka and shame
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
