So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
