phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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