Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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