I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
