I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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